


I Hate The Losers Club: Testimonials

by saintsrow2



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Character Analysis, Eddie Kaspbrak Lives, Freeform, Multi, No Plot/Plotless, Ships are MINOR but theyre in there, Stanley Uris Lives, this is very silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:20:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22212451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saintsrow2/pseuds/saintsrow2
Summary: It doesn't matter who you are, someone out there hates your guts and they are very happy to explain why. Here's a bunch of testimonials from people who know the Losers' Club and hate those guys. Because sometimes people think you're quirky, and sometimes you're actually just annoying everyone in the office, EDWARD.
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough/Mike Hanlon, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 60
Kudos: 602





	I Hate The Losers Club: Testimonials

### Charlotte Applegate - Head Librarian at Derry High

Yeah, I used to work with Mike Hanlon down at Derry Public Library, before I got the job here. He was… God, I always hate talking about this because it's really hard to explain without sounding like _I'm_ the asshole. And maybe I am the asshole, but yes, I never liked Mike. We all have those people, right? Where they just get on your nerves? By the time I left the library to come work for the high school it was a real "Jesus Christ, there goes Mike, eating soup again, that motherfucker" situation. Of course, you try to explain that to anyone and you just get, "what, Mike _Hanlon?_ Sure, he's a little weird, but Mike is so _nice_ ". Yes. He is _definitely_ weird. 

But it's not like they're wrong. Mike is very nice. Mike is very polite, unless you get a couple of whiskeys in him at the holiday party, because then he can be a real catty little gossip. One time he told Carole Mitchell, who's on the board of directors, that the only thing her family has to be proud of was that they somehow managed to stop their name from becoming synonymous with fatal workplace accidents. Which was actually pretty funny, she looked very mad, but anyone swanning around talking about the prestige of their family name needs a reality check.

Anyway, it comes from how he knows everything about everyone. That's why he started annoying me in the first place, I think. He just knew everything, and he knew everybody. Of course, he's lived in Derry his whole life and he's some self-appointed local historian who's been writing a book about it for about the last two decades, not that anyone ever gets to see it. It's not like he goes around being one of those insufferable "well, actually" guys, but you sure as hell had to get ready for a lecture if you ever dared to mention local history around him. I'm sure he found it all _fascinating,_ but sometimes you just want to talk about the local fair, not hear the secret horrible history of how the fair was founded. Especially not twice. I get it! Derry is messed up! 

And… I don't know, all this is so petty. It's just workplace drama. Like, one time I tried to get him to rearrange the way the science section is laid out and we argued about that for days until I just gave up. "Stuck in his ways". Stubborn, more like. He was the same about that display of William Denbrough books. I know he's a popular author, and he's a local writer, but we have the same stupid display up all year round and Mike won't hear about moving it. It wasn't like William Denbrough ever did much in the way of getting Derry tourism; as far as I know, he's never even mentioned us. _And_ his books are awful. Just trash. I'll tell you, finding out the two of them were childhood friends did _not_ surprise me. I couldn't tell if it made the whole thing sweet or… Kind of sad, that he was like, holding a candle for a guy who he'd known years ago. 

I haven't really seen him since I stopped working there. Sometimes I see him around town, but I heard from Eve who still works at the library that apparently he's moved? I guess that whole thing about him being attacked by that murderer really freaked him out… I hope he's alright… I know I said I don't like the guy, but I would never want _that_ to happen to _anyone_ . I just thought it was funny when his soup exploded in the microwave, I didn't want him to nearly _die_ and have to be saved by a bad comedian. Anyway, I guess he's fine now. Eve says he's going to live with Bill Denbrough, but I’m not sure if she was joking?

Oh, one time he ate my yoghurt from the staff fridge. That really is unforgivable. 

### Brian Dufresne - Andrews & Andrews Accountants

Stan Uris. Fuck, haven't thought about him in a while. We worked together like eight years ago? He was a prick. Just a case where two guys were never gonna get on. Clashing personalities. You get that a lot, when you have a guy like me who's kind of a natural alpha… Lot of guys are intimidated by that, so they try to hide it behind jokes, make out that they're not insecure. Not me, I'm an upfront kinda guy. Like to lay my cards on the table when Stan, he just wants to have all those little sarcastic comments. Which is fine, whatever makes you feel better. Some of us don't feel the need to hide behind being two-faced. 

Ah, he wasn't like the worst guy ever, or anything. He was just a stubborn sunnuva bitch, and kind of touchy. Little easily offended. Had this way he'd get when you made a joke he didn't like where he'd go quiet and fix you with this hard stare. Thought he was real intimidating. Kind of funny, actually. Easier to give him what he wanted half the time because once he got an idea into his head that he was right, there was no shaking him. You'd think he was judge, jury and executioner, or something. Ridiculous. Yeah, he _was_ usually right, I'm not going to pretend he was bad at his job, but you don't have to do it his way _every_ time. I'd never want to hurt the company, but he really could have done with being wrong a couple more times if you ask me. Might have knocked him down a peg. It's really goddamn annoying to know your idea would work but to have a guy say "it's my way or the highway", and then everyone sides with him because "well, he was right last time". Like, sure he was, but Jesus Christ, let someone else take the stage for a while.

I thought he'd blown it when he decided to go start his own firm on the other side of Atlanta. I told him, I was like, "Stan, there's no way you're going to make it, you're too young and you don't have enough clients yet". I really thought he was going to be crawling back to us six months later begging for his old job back. It was so weird how he could have gotten a promotion if he'd stayed and worked a couple more years but he just got it into his head that he had to go and risk it all. Like something just went ding in his brain and he had to get outta here! Crazy.

Anyway, I hear it worked out great for him. Last I saw, business was booming. He had some accident, or something? I didn’t really get a lot of details, but I know he was in the hospital for a little while, but now he’s on a vacation in the Bahamas, so it can’t be _that_ bad. 

Whatever, I don't keep up with the guy. No point following around someone you don't like, right? My wife says that's "inviting toxicity into your life", whatever _that_ means. Women. She's right though, she is right. So yeah, I never liked him. Thought he had his head, y'know, way up there! But whatever, I'm sure he's going to have a long and happy future. None of my business. 

### Dean Rotkowsky - Screenwriter 

Richie Tozier is a. Fucking. _Asshole_. I've never had to work with him on anything, thank _God_ , but I've been to enough parties with him to know he's a real piece of work. The first thing he ever said to me when I met him was “You hear the one about the guy’s wife who got raw dogged by Bigfoot? Oh, sure you have, you’ve met Ryan Monohan”. I just… Ok, that joke makes sense if you’ve seen our friend Ryan, but like, that’s a crazy thing to say to a stranger, am I wrong? Like, not even hello, just right into Bigfoot sex jokes? Alright, that was a joke but Jesus Christ, I was there at Tamara Wan's New Year's party this year? He got wasted on tequila like a nineteen year old college student and then he got into a huge argument with this producer Steve Forrester -- I have no _idea_ what about -- like fully thought someone would call the cops because of the screaming, then he threw up in Tamara's pool and passed out. It was in- _sane_. 

His stand-up is gross and he like, never turns it off. He's always on, always making some joke about something _disgusting_ usually. Well, either he's on, or he's in a mood blacker than hell. My friend Anna Freeman, she writes for a sitcom he had a guest appearance on, says he turned up for rehearsals and spent half an hour just sitting in his car. Like, full on borderline breakdown shit, staring at himself in the mirror. She wasn't even surprised when he pulled that stunt a couple of months back where he ran off in the middle of a show. 

He's just fake. Notorious liar. Can't stay in a relationship for longer than a few weeks. All his material is ghostwritten, _everyone_ knows that. No one knows a real thing about him. Like, he got famous overnight and suddenly everyone had to pretend they knew him. 

He's, what, forty? And he has to put on a front like he's in high school. I talked to him… God, last year? It was at someone's Golden Globes party, I don't remember who, but it was like trying to talk to someone doing PR. I don't even know what he's trying to _protect_ because his whole show is about being as disgusting as possible, and half of what he says is gross. I guess he's hiding something because I ask if he saw his family over the holidays and it was like his whole face just glazed over and he spat out some nonsense about illegitimate children. I mean, what? You can't even pretend to have a normal conversation? 

He's mean, he's rude, he fakes everything… I don't think he has any actual friends, not _real_ ones. He just has people who have to work with him. And… Ok, look, you didn't hear this from me, and I'm not saying I've ever heard him say anything homophobic, but I know half a dozen gay men who won't talk to or about him. Pretty fucking weird, if you ask me. Not implying anything, just that it looks to me like there's something going on behind closed doors. 

Yeah, I don't know what the hell happened to him. Like I said, I don't think anyone was surprised he had some kind of breakdown, but the whole vanishing for months? And some kind of court case? Not that anyone knows what _that_ was about, it got buried real fast. It's like everyone forgot all about it… And now he's cancelled all his public appearances for the next year, so something crazy must have happened. Fuck knows what. Whatever, it's probably going to come out that he nearly killed himself drunk driving or something and then he'll do a half-hearted apology and a Comedy Central special. 

What is weird though, is that thing about him living with an accountant, or something? Who the fuck is… Who even is that guy? I keep seeing photos of them in like TMZ, are we pretending that’s just not weird as hell? Jesus, he’s probably running some scam with offshore bank accounts or something. Ugh, I’m so over it. He asked me one time how many parrots I had to kill to make my wig. Like what the fuck is _wrong_ with him?

### Rebecca Green - Author

William Denbrough is possibly the most clear example of undeserved fame I could care to name in popular literature. The man writes, frankly, trash. I know that’s not polite, but you asked me to be honest. I actually went to college with him, if you can believe it. He was there for about two semesters but he was so arrogant that he couldn’t take any criticism, and he treated the whole idea of writing anything that wasn’t completely literal and had any kind of political or metaphorical subtext like it was a joke. All he wanted to write were these obscene horror stories, which were only disturbing in how foul they were, and then when everyone hated them he just packed up and quit. He sold _one_ short story and then decided that was enough, he didn’t need to learn a single thing more. Have you ever heard anything so arrogant in your life? It’s insanity.

No, actually, what’s insanity is that he was _right_ that he could make a career out of this. I think it says a lot about the tastes of the American public that the books flying off the shelves are this complete… Drivel. It’s all either disgusting or so ridiculously sentimental that it would make a child sick. I suppose that’s just the kind of crap people enjoy.

I haven’t seen him in years but last time I did was at an author’s roundtable… He didn’t recognise me at all, which doesn’t surprise me. Too self-absorbed. Surprised he didn’t talk more, but he’s never been much of a public orator. Comes from the fact he’s scared people will realise he doesn’t actually have many intelligent things to contribute, I’m sure. When I was there I asked him if he didn’t ever get tired of writing about nothing except sex and violence and he said to me, “Don’t you ever get tired of those being the only things you can think about?” I was shocked, I really was. Unbelievably rude. 

I don’t care if he’s married to some actress, or making movies, because I know William Denbrough has never written anything people are going to remember. What has he ever done that’s going to be truly important to humanity? No one is being enlightened or saved by any of his books. I doubt he’s anyone’s hero. That’s the issue when all you do is write pulp; people might buy your nonsense, but they’re not reading them generations later, are they? Hm? I don’t think so. Nothing he’s ever done has ever mattered the slightest bit to anyone, not in the grand scope of things. 

What is he doing now? I don’t know, writing more dreadful books, I assume. I heard he ran out on his last movie, which is exactly the kind of unprofessionalism I would expect from him, but it’s got nothing to do with me. Someone did the unforgivable act of trying to criticise him there too, I assume. How you think you can be a writer and just keep on writing the same crass, shallow nonsense for decades without people wising up and realising you’re a hack is beyond me… Well, history won’t be kind to him, I’m sure. Fine by me. I tried to help him, back in the day, but he thinks he’s ‘Big Bill Denbrough’, and he doesn’t have to listen to _anybody_. Honestly.

### Christine Hudson - Manager at Laundromat

I went to high school with Beverly Marsh. Not that you’d ever know it. No hometown pride in _that_ girl. But she always thought she was too good for us, you know? Even when she was a kid. She had a really snooty, stuck-up streak. Didn’t want to talk to anyone, didn’t want to get involved in the normal girl things. Had her weird little gang of boyfriends, and they were the only people she ever wanted to talk to. _So_ weird, little girl hanging around with so many boys all the time. If I was a parent, I’d be worried, seeing my daughter had that many boyfriends, but I guess her parents never cared about anything, I don’t know.

You couldn’t talk to her. I tried to be friendly, when we were younger, you know, but she wasn’t interested. Because she thought she was too _good_ for us. I don’t know why she thought _that_ when everyone knew she lived in the most absolute dirt-poor part of town, but she wanted to pretend to be something she wasn’t, I guess. I never like that in a person, y’know? Being fake? And she was so two-faced. Being nice to you one minute and laughing about you the next. Had all her little secrets with her little boyfriends. They were always running around town like they were sooo important. 

She was basically a delinquent. Smoked in the toilets. Graffiti. Shoplifting. Yeah I _saw_ her stealing from Keene’s Pharmacy. But that’s just what happens when you let your kids run wild like that. Never catch me doing that with mine, just letting them run off wherever they wanted, getting up to God knows what. All summer they were always running around, filthy as hell, going missing for _days_ because they thought the rules didn’t count for _them_. 

I saw her, actually, when she came back to town. No hello. Looked like absolute hell, just running off down the street. Really, she looked _awful_ . Like a building fell on her. I said to my Carter, isn’t she supposed to be rich? She looks _homeless_. Can’t get rid of your roots however hard you try, I guess. Comes from a bad tree. I never knew Mr Marsh, but you hear things.

You know what it was? She just thought she was too pretty for us. I know that’s what she thought. She never said it, but she obviously thought she was too cute to talk to any of us, so she’d just go away and gather up all the boys who’d tell her nice things and make her ego huge. And none of _them_ would talk to us, either. Even now that Mike Hanlon, the guy who used to work at the library? The one who ran away to Florida after that serial killer attacked him? Yeah, last time I saw him, he was still so stuck-up. 

She’s dating some fancy architect now, or something? Ugh. She’s rich, too. Couldn’t happen to a nicer person. Well, I’m not saying anything, but I know how a girl like that gets so rich. Ha! Well, not me. Or my daughter Kaitlynne. We know how to be good, respectable people. Derry doesn’t need girls like her, anyway. 

### Nick Beukes - Risk Analyst

Jesus Christ. Yes, I knew Edward Kaspbrak. “Eddie”. Kid’s name. He once gave me a lecture because I didn’t use hand sanitizer before I touched his keyboard. The guy was the most uptight, neurotic, angry, _total_ hypochondriac that I’ve ever met. Not sorry he like, threw it all in and ran out of town one day. Yeah, it was crazy, he just called up one day and said “Going away for a while, bye” and then he was gone. Obviously he got fired, you can’t suddenly decide you’re going away for however long you want. I know for a fact he had no sick leave or anything, because he takes off ‘sick’ constantly, because like I said, he’s a massive hypochondriac. 

God, things Ed Kaspbrak has done to piss me off… Lost his shit every time I called him “Ed” for a start. I’m sorry man, I’m not calling you “Eddie”, you’re forty years old and you look like a human stress ball that God’s been going to town on. One time I tried to give him a hot dog at a company BBQ and he reacted like I was trying to feed him an _actual_ dog, and then his wife lost _her_ mind, and she’s probably the only person who’s _more_ neurotic than he is.

Oh, yeah, one time he like, lost his shit at this intern and made the kid cry. Kaspbrak talks to people like he’s wrestling them. I don’t know if he’s super insecure -- no, he’s _definitely_ insecure -- but he’s so aggro. Like, bro, you work in insurance. You can’t be talking to people in your office like you’re the wrath of God and they’re the third mouse trying to get on the Ark. He was zero to sixty on _everything_. I saw him driving once and it’s the most frightened I think I’ve ever been. And then he came in and tore someone a new one for taking his parking spot.

Of course, none of us made it easier. When you know someone’s that sensitive, it’s impossible _not_ to want to push their buttons. Pretended to sneeze in my hand and wipe it on his shirt once, thought he was going to throw himself down an elevator shaft. I figure he just never had his fun circuits installed at the robot factory, so they gave him more freak-out buttons to compensate. 

If I’m being real, I just think the guy hates his fucking life. Like, no one who’s happy is that freaked out, eating steamed broccoli out of tupperware and sanitising his coffee cup twenty times a day, going out of his mind that everything has it out for him, popping hundreds of pills. Definitely his wife was terrorising him, every time I saw him with her he’d be wilting like a flower someone pissed on. That’s probably why he split, that or he couldn’t take any of my bullying. I don’t really feel all that bad about it, though. He _was_ kind of an asshole.

After he left, I figured I’d never see him again, but Parvati at the office found a photo of him on fucking TMZ of all places. He’s shacked up with that comedian? Richie Tozier? The guy who did the bit about the most discreet way to puke in a takeout cup? Yeah, he’s fucking funny. No idea what the fuck is going on there. It’s probably the only time I’ve thought Ed Kaspbrak was interesting. Man, maybe he can get me free tickets. He probably wouldn’t, though, not after the time I put fake dog poop in his shoe. 

### Tracey Hill - Interior Designer.

I met Ben through work, and then we dated for a little while. It was… He’s… Kind of intense. It drove me crazy, actually. I’m not really someone who likes being mean? I don’t think it’s nice to talk about someone behind their back? But oh, my _God_. Ben was just… Like it was so exhausting. 

The thing most people don’t realise about him is that he’s like, _crazy_ shy. He seems really cool and mysterious at a distance, but you get to know him and it’s like, oh that’s not mystery, he just has an untreated anxiety disorder. You’d try to take him to a party and he’d be off in the corner not talking to anyone and everyone would think he was really aloof and unapproachable, then he’d get really sad that no one wanted to hang out with him! I kept telling him all the time, Ben, you have to go and _talk_ to people, but he’d just get all bashful again. I’d drag him around after me like I was the teacher and it was his first day of school. And he’d still only mumble about work a little bit.

Look, I like art. I’m an artist. But I want to have fun, too, and fun to Ben was just… Going to a museum and staring at one statue for like twenty minutes. He would get so mesmerised by things? He had this real odd obsessive thing sometimes where he’d get really into like a really particular kind of art and the ‘rules’ of it. It was kind of charming at first like, oh Tracey, lets go look at this one really significant statue, but then after six times he’s gotten into something weird you’re like Ben… I am not driving seven hours because you’re really into the pre-Raphaelites right now or _whatever_. 

He travels a lot. For work. And I didn’t want like, anything serious, so that was fine, but I think it just made him lonelier? He never seemed like he was having fun. He’d always come crawling back moping around… Oh my God, I sound like such a bitch. It was just really hard dating someone who was really unhappy and like… The more I knew him the more I realised I was never going to help him out. Like, it kind of felt like he was only dating me because I was easy going. I vaguely know one of his other exes and she said that when they were dating he was the exact same, and they broke up after like three months because she’d try to get him to talk about himself and he’d shut up like a clam. For a while I thought he had a secret family, or something. You can’t trust someone who just won’t _ever_ open up, you know?

Ok, and he… Oh, this is so mean. But he wrote these poems… They were really bad poems. It’s so hard to keep being like ‘that’s nice sweetie’ when you have to see another weird haiku. And they were never about me! A year, he never wrote me a love poem. How are you not meant to take that personally? 

He just made me so sad… He wanted to rattle around his big empty house and not go out except to work out or because he was obsessed with something. It was like trying to date a baby fawn. I was always scared he was going to run off into the woods forever because I made a noise that was too loud. He just always seemed like he belonged somewhere else, but he didn’t know where that was… I couldn’t deal with it. Like, I have my own life! I have my own problems! I can’t babysit a thirty-eight year old man every time we go out! 

Ok… That’s it. I swear that’s it. Oh, also, he owned a private jet, which is like… Oh, my God. Maybe you can be too rich. Ok, now _that’s_ it. Anyway, he’s dating that fashion designer now? I think? She’s cool. Maybe she can get him to actually talk to people. Oh, wait, oh my God. And he had these like ancient pyjamas with scottie dogs on he wore all the time. No sense of style at all. I’m sorry! It was just so funny. Ok, now I’m done. Really. Maybe his new girlfriend can make him some better pyjamas. No, really now. I’m sorry. Sorry, Ben. Please write your girlfriend poems about her next time.

### Pennywise - Clown

Fuck those kids.


End file.
